the whole problem with the world

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts. -Bertrand Russell

hi

I'm making yet another attempt to rejoin the blogging community. Mainly because I feel no other community will have me as of late and also because this community feels more like a party of one most of the time. But what's the difference if you're writting letters to yourself as if someone would read them or if you're speaking aloud alone as if someone is talking back.

I have been working very much and I decided to take a 5 day vacation. Last year, I worked non-stop and took only 5 days of my anual paid leave, because I was never certain when exactly to plan my vacation. So I made a point to use up more of my anual leave this year.... And here I am, at home. I have no life, no friends and nowhere to go. Not only that but I got sick on the day before my last day at work and cut my last day short because I felt awful. It's only started to get better now, but I cannot leave the house as my eye is swollen (it happens often). Funny, eh? I think I became ill because they suddenly turned on the air-conditioning that had not been used for several months, but I may be wrong. Do people get sick of airconditioning?

But apart from this, lots has changed in my life and nothing at all.

I got a computer a few months ago. It was one of my goals as I had to share a computer with my brother - my complaints about his World of Warcraft regime were something that appeared often on the blog when I had the chance to actually write. I also got a camera, my mother and brother gave it to me as a gft last Christmas, before I even had a computer to transfer the photos to. But I have only recently started photographing and getting back to different online activities. I have yet to set up accounts in order to showcase the pictures, although there's nothing there to show. I took some very nice portrait pictures of my mother in some new clothes and jewelry she had bought at that time. I was also responsible for taking photos at my brother's graduation ceremony when they gave him his University diploma and did a fantastic job (in my opinion) considering the heat of the day, the people all around and my relative inexperience with a camera. I also took pictures at a graduation party of a girl that invited me and my mother to celebrate her high-school graduation. I managed to take some decent shots at every event, thankfully, and will try to upload some here.

In less grand news:
I just read Murakami's "After Dark", and started "One Hundred Years of Solitude" by Gabriel Garcia Marquez. I like anything by Murakami that I've read and I am enjoying Marquez's famous novel IMMENSELY. I'd like to read more (and more quickly, hehehe) and also maybe write about the books I've read. I've been thinking lately, what a world we have become. We get taught that our opinion matters and everyone writes and everyone speaks out and everyone voices their thoughts no matter how stupid they are.... is that true? does my opinion of something as trivial as a book I read matter? Silly thoughts, yes. I don't think I am even looking for an answer.

I'm studying Japanese, albeit intermitently and not at all as seriously as I think I should. I am embarrassed now, I'll write about it some other time. :)

I stopped biting my nails, to the great delight of my mother, and I'm taking care of them now. I paint them in a beautiful colour that is almost transparent but yet has a tinge of cream in it - french manicure nailpolish, they call it. :P But I've also bought some dark red nailpolish but it must wait for a special occasion or for when I am daring enough to wear it with nothing special going on. I also bought a perfume. Oh this is all such old "news", but some weeks ago, I suddenly expressed a desire to give myself a beautiful gift like that. I should take pics of the it as I am really happy with it.

My little forlorn place on the web - unpacking, hopefully I'll stay more this time

I know, I have completely abandoned this writing phase that I was in a while back. Is it because I am not very disciplined? Or is it because I have been working full time the past months and have felt too exhausted? Or is it that I have almost no access to my home computer due to the great pairing of World of Warcraft and my brother, which creates nothing but quarrels? It's all of the above, actually. Which makes me sad. :(

So today, I have a day off from work and inspired once more from so many recent things I have encountered, I decided that it would be a great idea to revive my little forlorn place on the web. How interesting, now I feel wonderful. As soon as I hit the keys I felt the joy of writing anything. You know, how you just speak without particularly editing much, just blurting out things? Well, maybe I've said this before, but that's pretty awesome to do when writing.

Anyway, the past few months have been some of the most productive time of my short little life. I think I should be excused by anyone who bothers with this blog (yes, yes, you guessed, no one I know actually reads this, but maybe that's a good thing) that I have not written anything since the first of January. The reasons? Work. Yes, I finally found a job. So after 6 months of disappointment, I got a job and now I am pleased to say that I have around 7 months working experience... fascinating! Thankfully, I am more than happy with the job. It took way too long to get used to it and I can bet ya that I was the worst one at the start, but after I got screamed at by a few people over the phone (one of them made me actually cry, from shock mostly) and a number of suggestions/criticism from supervisors I got my act together. I'm not going to get into much detail on the job itself, it's just a call center/helpdesk sort of thing. When I first understood that I had gotten the job I thought: "Well, welcome to the great big world of outsourcing." And yes, one of the questions people ask really is: "Where are you located?" lol

But I'm getting off topic. So I have a job, important point number one. :D And I have resumed my life drawing classes (or as I like to call them... drawing naked people classes... Since the obvious question after I say life drawing classes is what do you draw there? :P) I feel I have made progress and I love drawing so much. I have been considering applying to the National Arts Academy, but have not decided yet. They just had their exams and I will have to apply next year but that's fine with me, as I still have time to practice, prepare, reconsider and then go back on the first decision, etc etc etc. And there you go, yesterday, I felt that it was a decent idea and today I feel once more that it won't make any difference. But let's leave that unfinished as it is a long story.

Besides working and drawing, I have not done much. At least, not in the proportion of my working and drawing. :P But I have kept busy with different little projects and hobbies. Most of which again, will remain without exposure as I still have not acquired a digital camera. But I will be happy to share the many new things I have learned. Or as a little girl I sat behind in a tram said to her mother: "There are so many new things I am learning today." (yes, she said it in such a genuine tone, that it really affected me how wonderful that line was and how it came from a preschool-aged child)

But mostly, I'd just like to say that this is again an excuse post, but damn do I have a reasonable excuse this time. However, I hope I do have time from now on to write more. I remembered now how fond I was of this blog and I do want to record the little things I did or thought of and the little things I came across and the little things I'm interested in. Because after all, for now that's all I have as boring as it seems.

Oh and btw, I have decided to rename myself... from now on I am no longer Shadowplay (taken from a song by Joy Division) and can be addressed as The Girl with Ghost Fingers. It came from a conversation I had with Philip. As always, the bouncing off of ideas and random whimsical conversations garner a pretty funny things. But you can also call me anything you like... Robert calls me Ghostly or Ghostly Fingers. Hopefully, you get the name in the way I understand it, but it's one that I created for myself so I am sticking to it for now. No one has ever given me a nickname, except the little shortened versions of my name of course. I am happy that I have a sort of alias now.

Happy New Year

I believe that in Russia there's a sort of tradition that every New Year's Eve people sit down in front of the television to watch probably the ultimate New Year's movie - Ирония судьбы, или С лёгким паром! (The Irony of Fate, or Enjoy Your Bath!) It is one of my favourite Russian movies, and it's one of those films that you just refuse to believe that someone somewhere might dislike them. That idea is preposterous, really. If you've never watched it, I recommend it because it's a classic. And yes, I end up watching it every New Year's Eve as well. ^_^ It just draws you in, you can't help it.

The story is bizarre and magical, the humour is beyond hilarious, and every song is amazing. So I thought it was appropriate to wish myself and the random person who might read this a Happy New Year with the classic song "Eсли у вас нету тёти" ("If You Don't have an Aunt"). What matters even more than the upbeat pace and vigorous feel of the song is the optimism in the lyrics. It's a beloved and instantly recognizable song that makes me smile and sing along every time I hear it.

Official cinema poster for Ирония судьбы, или С лёгким паром! (1975)
Source: wikipedia

And just because I'm a music freak, it's impossible for me not to acknowledge the saddest most beautiful song of lost love that was featured in the film. "Я спросил у ясеня" gets me every time, especially the last lines when the question that the man asks from the trees and the moon and the clouds is finally answered. The song truly breaks your heart every time.

Merry Christmas

Christmas WAS here and now it's over, but there's time for one more song, right?

I'm back.... November on fast forward

Wow, I haven't posted on the blog since September. I was quite unhappy at the time, since I was trying to get a job and somehow get my life together and nothing was working, so I said "screw this blog" and just left it (I was considering deleting the whole thing). I have such moods sometimes. When I was younger I could never keep a diary; I'd write a few entries and throw it in the back of a chest of drawers and forget about it. I remember one entry was a poorly written description of a weird tree I'd seen in the city. I guess my life has always been so boring that there really is no point in recording it. However, these uneventful periods of time are often followed by somewhat exciting times. And November surprisingly had a few of the exciting ones (which I managed to somehow or other remember or jot down) interspersed between the long dragging days. But let's talk about the interesting ones. ok?

There was a film festival through the whole of November and finally there was something interesting showing in cinemas for a change. So on the 6th I ventured outdoors to see a movie and meet an online friend for the first time. I hardly ever communicate with people from the country I live in, much less agree to meet them in real life. However, since we're both fans of Nirvana, I felt it would be selfish not to let him know they were showing About A Son a film on Kurt Cobain. And since I last went to the cinema about 5 years ago and I'd most often gone completely alone, I decided I was in the mood for innovations. I wondered if it would be fun to see a movie like most people see movies - with friends; so I absentmindedly invited him along. Besides, he'd been nagging for us to meet up and was getting a bit annoying. For those as paranoid as me, no... he did not slit my throat and hide my body under the movie theater seats as I expected. :P We had a good time, although he later accused me of looking "emo", with which I absolutely disagree, whatever this term means. After the film while I was absolutely energized from seeing a great film, he was terribly depressed... who's emo now?

The 11th of November was not eventful. I felt clumsy all day and dropped my favourite mug. Does this qualify as an event? It certainly gave me a heart attack, because for a second I thought I broke it. And if you had seen what my favourite mug looks like, you'd sympathize. It is from Russia and was a gift from my aunt. If I ever acquire a digital camera, I'll snap a pic of it for all to gaze at it.

On November 12th I felt tall. Don't ask, I'm weird. I just felt taller than usual, as if I grew in the matter of a few hours. Alice in Wonderland anyone?

On the 15th I experienced a startle when I saw that someone had commented on this excuse of a blog. And it was in Bulgarian too, which is even stranger, to me at least. It was so anonymous, because it had no link. Quite exciting and I dare say the comment kept me from deleting the blog. Thank you, Layla. :)

On the 16th while walking on the street after a doctor's appointment, I saw a dead kitten... But I don't actually know if it was a dead kitten or something that only looked like a dead kitten, because like the wimp I am I got frightened and looked away. It reminded me of the dead pigeon I used to pass by for a week or two on my way home from college. Every day it seemed to be at a different stage of decomposition. One day it had all it's guts on show, a few days later it already was missing limbs, and at the end it didn't really look like it had been a pigeon at all. It was really quite sad. And now that I've grossed out whoever is actually reading this... let's move on.

Following the success of the events on the 6th, on the 17th Philip and I went to see the wonderful Control. But since this time I was in charge of providing tickets, things went quite a bit wrong and I ended up finally having an adventure. For those who don't consider the story that follows next an adventure.... SHUT UP, I never have adventures, so don't ruin this for me. For starters, I waited for the last minute and went to get the tickets on the day of the screening. And when the obviously more intelligent friend of the two came... he informed me, upon seeing the tickets, that the film was not from 21:00 but from 23:00. Being completely stupid with numbers I had mixed up the time. Seriously, I obviously can't count. So we had about 2 or 3 (again, don't take my word for it, I don't know numbers) hours to spare and nothing to do. The attempt at meeting up with his friends at some cafe was unsuccessful and in all honesty boring, so we just walked around the city for a while and then waited for the movie on a bench outside a supermarket, which was very convenient, since it started raining. We just sat there, talking about all sorts of nonsense and I'm pretty sure I said the word "asshole" a bit too often when the conversation went towards the topic of horrid former teachers. Then we went to see the actual movie. Control. I had been waiting to see it ever since they announced they planned on making it. And as everything had gone wrong that day, I discovered I had forgotten my glasses. Thankfully, I was capable of seeing the movie perfectly fine without them. And what a movie it was. I will not give a review of it here, not to make this post insanely long with my stupid ramblings on things of actual quality. But all you need to know is that you MUST see it for yourself. And again, after the film was over, I felt so happy I could not contain myself, because to me good cinema is invigorating. Philip, however, was struck with another case of his gloomy attitude. I concluded that I only took him to see depressing movies about dead musicians, but at least they were good. He concurred. And I was on my way home, jumping through puddles (thankfully I had an umbrella) and trying to catch some sort of transport at some time past midnight. What would have normally been a series of unplanned mix ups turned out into a pretty awesome time.

On the 22nd through the 25th there was such a thick fog outside it was really impossible to see anything. I just walked around the apartment looking out the windows of each room to see nothing but white. So I decided that this would be quite similar to Takako Minekawa's "white cube" since I could not see any other colour wherever I looked. So I had "Destron" in my head for over 2 days. It was wonderful. But what was not wonderful was that my eye was killing me the whole time. Friday and the whole weekend, I felt as though in a crazy ultra violent cartoon. If you're wondering what I mean, I imagined I was a half-robot that scared the hell out of someone by having my eye blast out of my head and then there would only be a big bloody hole in it's place. I spent the whole time in complete agony, wondering when my eye would stop hurting, while the pain just moved from one eye to both. Fortunately, it gradually stopped.

This post is too long, so I'm shutting up now. You don't really need to know THIS much about me anyway. This post really has no practical or aesthetic use. Thank you for not reading.

restless mind, random thoughts, depressing matters

I've been contemplating lately that it's quite amusing to capture the first thought that comes to your mind in the minute you wake up. I came to this, because I've been feeling horrible lately and it astounds me how from the very first few seconds upon waking, my mind is consumed by those negative thoughts. I woke up a couple of days ago with the instant agonizing thought: "I want someone to remember me. Don't forget me." I didn't have anyone in mind, it was not addressed to anyone particular. It was just some sort of distressed thing that you tend to spit out and then you wonder why you just said something so unintelligible. It reminds me of John Cage from "Ally McBeal". When he felt nervous he would say "pokipsy" or at one point when everyone around him began arguing in Spanish, he just blurted out something concerning ponies and cookies in Spanish. After that thought when I woke up, I felt a little disturbed and kept remembering it throughout the day. I suppose some of the thoughts and emotions that we experience upon waking up might be connected with the dreams that we had that night. And while I have had unfavorable dreams lately, I don't recall having dreamt anything that night that would trigger that thought. Sometimes the way we feel when we went to sleep affects the way we feel when we wake up. But I don't remember anything so dramatic happening the other day. The thought remains a mystery. lol

There has been some repair work going on in the apartment above ours (they are insulating the outside of the apartment so that it will be warmer) and for more than a week there have been people dangling from ropes around our apartment's windows. I woke up on Friday from the word "cool" repeated over and over in the most annoying voice with the most repulsive Bulgarian accent by someone outside my window. Two people were hanging from ropes right outside my balcony and were discussing how another would say the word "cool" very often. I couldn't get the gist of the conversation too much, because I was completely tacken by surprise as you might imagine by the whole situation, was more than half asleep, and the man's mumbling repetitive manner of speaking was the most incoherent thing I've ever heard. All I was left with was "cool, cool, cool" ringing in my head like a piercing headache. I was so relieved when they left.

In other news... I finally received a response from the woman who was looking for an illustrator. As expected, I was not chosen. I know I should have done a better illustration, and then maybe I would have gotten the job, but I guess we learn from our mistakes. I knew that it just wasn't enough. And now that I think about it, my illustration was totally lame anyway, so I'd rather it wouldn't be my first introduction.

And to top things off, in the evening I got a phone call from an unknown number that quickly hung up before I had the chance to answer it. I called the number back and someone picked up but would not say anything, even when I said "hello?", all I heard was rustling like from some sort of surrounding. So I hung up. I know it might just be something of the sort of a wrong number, but it was the last straw and I got so pissed off. It was one in a series of small but discouraging happenings that just kicked me right into this terrible mood.